The New Bucket List

I loved the movie! Who doesn't love Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman? At the end of your life you want your memories to be filled with great loves, crazy times and amazing adventures. A long life is guaranteed to nobody, and too many people I knew did not live long enough to put a dent in their bucket lists. Whether it is long term goals, or simply a wish list, waiting for 'someday' is a gamble, and most often is not by choice. Life gets in the way. But sometimes your life is hijacked by an unavoidable set of circumstances, and the most dreaded of situations is sprung on you...... the fork in your road is right there in front of you, and you are frog-marched in the opposite direction of your plans, goals, visions, wants, desires, needs, requirements. The surreal fog of your spinning world seems to lack oxygen - just breathing feels unnaturally difficult. Not only is there no light in nor at the end of the tunnel, but your eyes feel blinkered and blindfolded for good measure! The volume of the advice being directed at you is both muffled and shrill at the same time. The dryness in your mouth is competing with the acid boring though your stomach. You are aware that you are isolated in that moment, and it becomes the beginning of the most solitary road of your life. That was September 2015.....
Next week marks three years since my world was pummelled and left for dead. It has been the longest road in the fastest time, leaving carnage in its wake, but awakening unblinkered eyes to a world beyond the first forty years of experience. In my early twenties I made my ultimate Bucket List, filled with possessions and selfishness. I used to joke that marriage should be on a five year lease system (renewable only by mutual agreement based on performance), but your Bucket List should be the same. Every five years there should be a review, and the List should be evaluated for achievement levels, current realistic viability, beneficial capability, social responsibility, financial accountability, level of joy reached, and overall satisfaction. After this assessment, the next five year list should be structured based on the previous list's achievements. The only regrets we have are the chances not taken. I have learnt that everybody fails.... some of us more spectacularly than others, but still a failure. As much as I would love to have never gone through 2015, there is no other way that I would have been forced into the situation that led to me cruising the entire world for two years. I know that I now have to start my life over, and at 45 it is far harder than at 19, but I have two years of incredible global memories and experiences that are usually reserved for Bucket Lists. And most of the time they remain uncrossed on other's Bucket Lists.
So, if my List had said 'go in a submarine' - ticked off in Barbados, 'drive under the sea' - ticked off in Japan, 'look at a glacier' - ticked off in Norway, Chile and Alaska, '1950's car ride' - ticked off in Cuba, 'step back in time' - ticked off in Pompeii, or 'go to the end of the world' - ticked off in Ushuaia's Lighthouse at the end of the world, then I would be pretty pleased with my tick list. Crossing the equator, crossing the international date line, cable cars, long haul flights, Panama Canal, sunshine at midnight, famous people (Stephen Hawking, James Martin) - ticked, ticked, ticked. Unbelievable experiences from around the world, that I am truly grateful for and humble in my acknowledgement of the incredible opportunity afforded to so few. Most people wait a lifetime to experience just one of these, and I did them at an imperfect time in my life, with perfect timing. The first two decades of my adult life ended with the travel adventures of a lifetime, and I am blessed enough to be starting my next chapter back in South Africa with my daughter. The question now is...... What is going to be on my New Bucket List!??

Cre8tivity

Part of your soul dies if you aren't being creative. As humans, we are not supposed to live simply perfunctory lives. A creative outlet is essential for keeping a healthy mind... or at the very least to prevent you from committing murder! Whether it be a book club (wine and whine), sewing club (aka what did Ellen make us for supper?), or just a solitary hobby of model building, running, gardening or even travelling, the non work nor family related indulgence is The Holy Grail of keeping sane. Without a creative outlet we are reduced to rat race machines that serve the mundane purpose of work-to-exist. As we are mostly not afforded the luxury of free time with unlimited resources, we should all have three hobbies :
One to keep us healthy..... One to keep us creative... and One to earn us an income!
The first two were easy for me to wrap my mind around, although I used to substitute my love of inventive healthy cooking as an alternative to actual exercise. There was a decade where I was cooking three different types of meals for my family based on their medical dietary requirements. It really helped that I loved to cook, or else I would have been broke from ordering pre-packaged health meals (or my family would have been really sick). One had to avoid saturated fats as per the MS diet recommendations, one had a ketogenic dominant diet to help with a slow metabolism, and one lacked the enzyme in her liver to process excess protein!! Given the choice of creative accounting versus creative cooking.... the latter won hands down. Now, with only myself to cater for, I love the simple, delicious concoctions that Pinterest tempts me with daily (the latest experiment being cabbage steak with balsamic vinegar and honey!). Running (mostly power walking) these calories off has fortunately become a regular habit, despite two decades of avoiding strenuous anything. Having spent many rainy port days aboard the comfort of a dry ship, I discovered the sanctuary of the gym. With my music blaring in my headphones I could indulge in my solitude, ignoring the few passengers left onboard. Most of the participants were much older, and I looked super fit in comparison. The view from the treadmill in a different port each day was surreal, and was not taken for granted.
A hobby to keep me creative? How about too many hobbies and not enough hours in a day! I am not an artistic person, but rather someone with creative flair. Although I can design and sew just about anything, I can't paint. Perhaps because I have never tried, but I am also not inclined. I truly appreciate art in all forms, and have been privileged to see works by the masters all over the world. Gustav Klimt will always be my favourite, followed by Salvador Dali. Thankfully I have enough other creative outlets to keep me busy, even though I have more unfinished quilts than completed, and I don't get to play the piano anymore. But in different seasons of ones life you prioritize and adapt. So this season is more compact.... succulent gardening and hand worked quilting!
The final hobby needs to earn an income. After I had my daughter, I turned my wedding dress making hobby into a work-from-home job initially, and later on I needed studio and retail premises. This was probably the most carefree time in my life, as my soul and pocket were being fed well. It never felt like a job, and the rewards were just marvellous. I was able to have my child with me when my studio was at home, and that career choice allowed my to be at every one of her childhood events. Moving on to become a fabric retailer was more demanding, but I was still surrounded daily by creative clientele. Even though I was more managerial on the shop floor than designer, I fed off the customers' enthusiasm and excitement. My most recent income has been a paid-to-travel honour, and these past two years have given me invaluable exposure to the creative forces of the entire globe! The influences of everything from airport construction to ancient ruins, tropical gardens in Norway to graffiti in Brazil.... my mind has been blown. I sometimes battled to absorb the full extent, but the obvious result is an extremely expanded appreciation for the creative influences available from the everyday lives of these worldwide communities.... I have no doubt that they have influenced my artistic view immensely. The question now is . . . .  what am I going to do with all this new creativity??

  

24

The significance of numbers, whether symbolic or literal, is usually only powerful after the fact. Knowing what to do with a prominent number in your life with foresight would be fantastic..... be it time frame or even lotto numbers. Today I find myself over thinking a number that has remained irritatingly strong throughout my life - the number 24!
My first memory of this number was as I wrote the date in my class book in 1984. For no rhyme nor reason I clearly remember acknowledging it as a number to be noted. As a child, I assumed that it represented the physical age of 24, and simply stored it in the back of my mind for future reference. On the 24th of each month I would briefly wonder if that day would hold a certain excitement or significance. But my focus was on the age of 24. As a teenager, I would have a related quirkiness to 24 - never being one for moderation, I tried to maintain a total of 24 pairs of shoes at any time, or 24 pairs of earrings. Even now I have 24 colours of nail polish. Not in an obsessive compulsive way, just for my own entertainment.
As I neared adulthood, I reckoned that 24 was a good age to get married.... but I couldn't wait,so that wasn't it. The next life event was my daughter.... but she was born two months before I turned 24. The only notable part of my 24th year was that it was an emotionally draining and very challenging year. In retrospect, I was probably forewarned and chose to ignore the signs.
Today is 24 years since I walked down the aisle. It was the highlight of my early adulthood, and a union that thankfully resulted in my amazing daughter. But today it is just a heartbreaking reminder of the past 24 months that I have spent at sea trying to heal from the past two decades. I allow myself one day a year to be miserable, and today is it! I also want today to be the end of the emphasis of 24.... I need a new number to focus on. My daughter is almost 22, so I will keep 24 in the back of my mind for two years time ;)
I don't know if I will be going back to sea. The draw of the water is incredibly strong, but the ties that bind are right here at home. My 24 month escape to sea was timeous and necessary (the best mid life crisis ever), but it is time for me to start my next 24 year adventure. Due to work commitments, 24 years ago we were not able to honeymoon in Hong Kong as planned, but 24 years later I made it there alone. Mapping out married life is an optimistic adventure, but how you actually handle the forks in the road is a true reflection of inner strength. Perhaps I needed to spend 24 years learning that a cookie cutter life was not intended for me, and as much of a home body as I think that I am, I have proven over the last 24 months (and six continents) that I can handle anything that life throws at me. As Rachel says, 'normal is overrated', and nobody can accuse me of being normal! To conclude the symbolism of 24, I need to immerse myself into the mindset of a 24 year old - with my whole life in front of me, what is my next adventure/goal/target/desire/purpose/relationship/want/need??

Aquarius

I have never placed importance on star signs, although having a Leo for a father, sister and spouse was food for thought. But being a born in January water baby must have some significance to the draw of the sea. Although born in Liverpool, I grew up in the incredibly scenic coastal city of Port Elizabeth. From various points in our topographically generous hometown we are blessed with magnificent ocean views. The commute to university was a visual selection of white sand beaches to rocky, turbulent coastline. This tempting view was also the reason for many no-show days at uni too! But it was definitely something that I was in constant awe of, but inevitably took for granted. Most destination loving adventurers have a cruise on their wish list. Whether it is a three day raucous booze cruise or a leg of a world tour, the planning and budgeting is an exciting and time sensitive process, and is always greatly anticipated. For most first time cruisers, it is a dream that was twenty years in the making. A once in a lifetime opportunity. They average between four and ten ports on a one to two week cruise, with a few sea days in there for rest and relaxing entertainment. It is over in the blink of an eye, with photos, stories and memories for them to feast on for years to come. How horrified would they be to hear that there were days that I had a 'movie/lazy day' on my bed in my cabin, simply because I had been there and done that two weeks before!!! How I would look out of the floor to ceiling windows in the dining area at breakfast and decide (very occasionally) that it is too hot/rainy/cold/windy to see that country that day. Being almost double some of my fellow crew members' ages gave me the life experience and perspective to force myself to take advantage of this incredible opportunity. But I did indulge in wasted days every so often - which I will one day regret. Of the almost one hundred ports and cities that I visited in the last year, I made sure to only skip the ones that I had actually seen already. I know that it seems ridiculous to most that I would have purposely missed out on these free gifts, but it is the same as the drive to university, the same as knowing that the flowers in your garden are still there like they were yesterday. It is only something that you appreciate when it has been gone for a while.
Nature is potent in its attraction.... always reliably there, but only truly loved and missed when it is gone. The magnetic call of the water is unbelievably powerful, and as much as it is wonderful to return home, I am an Aquarian.

Mother's Day

I once explained to my daughter that there is a 'Mommy Button' - it was switched on when my baby was born, and never switched off. Not a single minute goes by without your child being foremost in your thoughts. But it's impossible to understand until you are a mother. Your child is your reason for everything; every decision and choice for the rest of your life is somehow linked to the welfare of your child.

Deciding to work on a ship had incredible advantages, but none of them cushioned the heartache of being away from my child. The justifications of circumstance through to age never seemed to lesson the agony. I tried to equate it to when I was a daughter of twenty years old. My incredible Mum only ever made me feel like I could accomplish absolutely anything I set my mind to. More often than not, I did! She gave me the self confidence to follow any and every dream, resulting in my living between PE and Durban when I was twenty. My life was exciting and demanding, leaving little time to 'miss my mommy'. I can only imagine what she must have felt in comparison to the way I have felt this year, We did not even have the advantage of WhatsApp and Facebook in 1993 (both of which have been my life lines this past year).

Mother's Day last year fell on a sea day. My colleagues were wonderful, but I hid trickled tears quite well. I was thrilled that I would be home to celebrate this year, and spent the morning with Rachel having breakfast and clothes shopping (as girls do!). But I was just as thrilled to discover that this past twelve months has matured my daughter into an admirably independent young woman. We are not unhealthily clingy, and we don't feel the need to be in each others company 24/7. I am relieved that she wants and needs her time apart just as much as I do. She is no longer a defenceless toddler, but has evolved into a wonderfully mature young lady. I have had the honour of raising her into the woman she is today, and I get to indulge in the snugly memories of Mother's Day Past. 

Rachel is my daughter, my friend, my exception to the rule. She amazes me every day, and I have the greatest love and admiration for this beautiful soul. 

Thank you for making me a mother, my darling Rachel xx

FFF

Forgive me followers, for I have faltered. This is my first post in months due to internet availability. I finally forged ahead in my leap of faith, and flew home.

The sixth letter of the alphabet has always had a raw deal by being linked to a choice four letter word. But there are far worse F-words that I have encountered... Failure, Fake, Fatal, Frustration to name but a few. Fortunately there are fantastic ones to counteract the negativity of these... Faith, Forever, Free, Future, and the most important: Family & Friends

Being halfway across the world is a geographical challenge to a relationship with family or friends, but distance never breaks the strongest of bonds. You can be sitting next to someone on a bed in your own house and be completely disconnected from them. That is the loneliest of relationships. Circumstance dictates the need for continental distance obstacles, but the ties that bind can be rewardingly strong despite the twelve thousand kilometre inconvenience. I am blessed to have the most incredible close family, and blessed again to have family that I chose (aka friends). Without my daughter, dad, silblings and besties, my year at sea would have resulted in a mental 'man overboard'! I did not choose for my life to take this direction, but I handled the conditions thrown at me like a seasoned Captain. Although the circumnavigation of South America was a phenomenal journey, the personal one was without navigation and will take time to process the results. I have photographic evidence of the life altering destinations that I visited, but I hope that when I look back at these blog posts, I will see a record of progress. Already I can feel the return of self confidence, and the glimmer of goals to be achieved. As well as journaling my fascinating trip in my upcoming posts, I hope to have more of the self actualization component come through. April to April and four continents....... how could it not have changed my life!

Balance

I remember watching a talk show years ago whilst I was cooking dinner. They were discussing real age versus perceived age. One of the factors that they determined could predict your age range was the amount of seconds that you were able to stand unaided on one leg. The audience sneered in defiance, convinced that this was too simplified an assessment, until they stood up and put it to the test. When half of them were seated before six seconds had passed, they were believers! Today I tried it again...... and after a full minute I decided that I am obviously still young and balanced. 

I may not have toppled over today, but I am definitely missing balance in my life. Actually, I think that it has been decades since I could lay claim to that! The work/play ratio is not enough to achieve the harmony I need in my life, but meeting all of Maslow's hierarchy when you are on a ship 15 000 kilometers away from home? Almost impossible.

I made a calculated risk decision today (I will elaborate at a later date), and immediately after the words left my mouth, I was flooded with relief. Trust your gut! Sometimes, thinking that you are in control of achieving balance is enough to distract you from actually allowing the natural processes of the universe to take place. We really aren't in control. Surrendering to something much bigger than ourselves is easier said than done. But the inner peace that ripples through you once you release the reigns of control..... priceless.

I am well aware that nothing in life goes in a straightforward manner, nor according to plan. I have tasked myself to find solutions that are good for me. Maybe not in the near future, but without setting achievable goals and a believable course of action, I might as well pull the rug and tumble over anyway. I just need to find my old pit bull grip on situations, and not be shaken loose by the tempting bones along the way!

I stood in awe today as we defied nature, geography and physics, and coursed through the Panama Canal. Cutting through the Americas as if it were just another typical day. Today I saw a wonder afforded to few. The privilege was greatly appreciated. One tick for the positive column, maybe more..... and it went a long way towards restoring the balance!