Aquarius

I have never placed importance on star signs, although having a Leo for a father, sister and spouse was food for thought. But being a born in January water baby must have some significance to the draw of the sea. Although born in Liverpool, I grew up in the incredibly scenic coastal city of Port Elizabeth. From various points in our topographically generous hometown we are blessed with magnificent ocean views. The commute to university was a visual selection of white sand beaches to rocky, turbulent coastline. This tempting view was also the reason for many no-show days at uni too! But it was definitely something that I was in constant awe of, but inevitably took for granted. Most destination loving adventurers have a cruise on their wish list. Whether it is a three day raucous booze cruise or a leg of a world tour, the planning and budgeting is an exciting and time sensitive process, and is always greatly anticipated. For most first time cruisers, it is a dream that was twenty years in the making. A once in a lifetime opportunity. They average between four and ten ports on a one to two week cruise, with a few sea days in there for rest and relaxing entertainment. It is over in the blink of an eye, with photos, stories and memories for them to feast on for years to come. How horrified would they be to hear that there were days that I had a 'movie/lazy day' on my bed in my cabin, simply because I had been there and done that two weeks before!!! How I would look out of the floor to ceiling windows in the dining area at breakfast and decide (very occasionally) that it is too hot/rainy/cold/windy to see that country that day. Being almost double some of my fellow crew members' ages gave me the life experience and perspective to force myself to take advantage of this incredible opportunity. But I did indulge in wasted days every so often - which I will one day regret. Of the almost one hundred ports and cities that I visited in the last year, I made sure to only skip the ones that I had actually seen already. I know that it seems ridiculous to most that I would have purposely missed out on these free gifts, but it is the same as the drive to university, the same as knowing that the flowers in your garden are still there like they were yesterday. It is only something that you appreciate when it has been gone for a while.
Nature is potent in its attraction.... always reliably there, but only truly loved and missed when it is gone. The magnetic call of the water is unbelievably powerful, and as much as it is wonderful to return home, I am an Aquarian.

Mother's Day

I once explained to my daughter that there is a 'Mommy Button' - it was switched on when my baby was born, and never switched off. Not a single minute goes by without your child being foremost in your thoughts. But it's impossible to understand until you are a mother. Your child is your reason for everything; every decision and choice for the rest of your life is somehow linked to the welfare of your child.

Deciding to work on a ship had incredible advantages, but none of them cushioned the heartache of being away from my child. The justifications of circumstance through to age never seemed to lesson the agony. I tried to equate it to when I was a daughter of twenty years old. My incredible Mum only ever made me feel like I could accomplish absolutely anything I set my mind to. More often than not, I did! She gave me the self confidence to follow any and every dream, resulting in my living between PE and Durban when I was twenty. My life was exciting and demanding, leaving little time to 'miss my mommy'. I can only imagine what she must have felt in comparison to the way I have felt this year, We did not even have the advantage of WhatsApp and Facebook in 1993 (both of which have been my life lines this past year).

Mother's Day last year fell on a sea day. My colleagues were wonderful, but I hid trickled tears quite well. I was thrilled that I would be home to celebrate this year, and spent the morning with Rachel having breakfast and clothes shopping (as girls do!). But I was just as thrilled to discover that this past twelve months has matured my daughter into an admirably independent young woman. We are not unhealthily clingy, and we don't feel the need to be in each others company 24/7. I am relieved that she wants and needs her time apart just as much as I do. She is no longer a defenceless toddler, but has evolved into a wonderfully mature young lady. I have had the honour of raising her into the woman she is today, and I get to indulge in the snugly memories of Mother's Day Past. 

Rachel is my daughter, my friend, my exception to the rule. She amazes me every day, and I have the greatest love and admiration for this beautiful soul. 

Thank you for making me a mother, my darling Rachel xx

FFF

Forgive me followers, for I have faltered. This is my first post in months due to internet availability. I finally forged ahead in my leap of faith, and flew home.

The sixth letter of the alphabet has always had a raw deal by being linked to a choice four letter word. But there are far worse F-words that I have encountered... Failure, Fake, Fatal, Frustration to name but a few. Fortunately there are fantastic ones to counteract the negativity of these... Faith, Forever, Free, Future, and the most important: Family & Friends

Being halfway across the world is a geographical challenge to a relationship with family or friends, but distance never breaks the strongest of bonds. You can be sitting next to someone on a bed in your own house and be completely disconnected from them. That is the loneliest of relationships. Circumstance dictates the need for continental distance obstacles, but the ties that bind can be rewardingly strong despite the twelve thousand kilometre inconvenience. I am blessed to have the most incredible close family, and blessed again to have family that I chose (aka friends). Without my daughter, dad, silblings and besties, my year at sea would have resulted in a mental 'man overboard'! I did not choose for my life to take this direction, but I handled the conditions thrown at me like a seasoned Captain. Although the circumnavigation of South America was a phenomenal journey, the personal one was without navigation and will take time to process the results. I have photographic evidence of the life altering destinations that I visited, but I hope that when I look back at these blog posts, I will see a record of progress. Already I can feel the return of self confidence, and the glimmer of goals to be achieved. As well as journaling my fascinating trip in my upcoming posts, I hope to have more of the self actualization component come through. April to April and four continents....... how could it not have changed my life!

Balance

I remember watching a talk show years ago whilst I was cooking dinner. They were discussing real age versus perceived age. One of the factors that they determined could predict your age range was the amount of seconds that you were able to stand unaided on one leg. The audience sneered in defiance, convinced that this was too simplified an assessment, until they stood up and put it to the test. When half of them were seated before six seconds had passed, they were believers! Today I tried it again...... and after a full minute I decided that I am obviously still young and balanced. 

I may not have toppled over today, but I am definitely missing balance in my life. Actually, I think that it has been decades since I could lay claim to that! The work/play ratio is not enough to achieve the harmony I need in my life, but meeting all of Maslow's hierarchy when you are on a ship 15 000 kilometers away from home? Almost impossible.

I made a calculated risk decision today (I will elaborate at a later date), and immediately after the words left my mouth, I was flooded with relief. Trust your gut! Sometimes, thinking that you are in control of achieving balance is enough to distract you from actually allowing the natural processes of the universe to take place. We really aren't in control. Surrendering to something much bigger than ourselves is easier said than done. But the inner peace that ripples through you once you release the reigns of control..... priceless.

I am well aware that nothing in life goes in a straightforward manner, nor according to plan. I have tasked myself to find solutions that are good for me. Maybe not in the near future, but without setting achievable goals and a believable course of action, I might as well pull the rug and tumble over anyway. I just need to find my old pit bull grip on situations, and not be shaken loose by the tempting bones along the way!

I stood in awe today as we defied nature, geography and physics, and coursed through the Panama Canal. Cutting through the Americas as if it were just another typical day. Today I saw a wonder afforded to few. The privilege was greatly appreciated. One tick for the positive column, maybe more..... and it went a long way towards restoring the balance!

Beyond the comfort zone

Teaching this old dog new tricks has never been daunting before, I'm always game for a new challenge. But as I near my 6,285th dog year, I realise that I have never tried yoga before! Roping in a few colleagues (also first timers), we set off for our first class. My sister inherited co-ordination (she is an amazing ballroom dancer), whereas I have seven left feet. Beached whale, roly poly, you name it and I was it. I have never been able to touch my toes (arms too short, my spine doesn't bend that way, whatever other excuse I could come up with), but to have to swing my legs up to the sky, then gracefully touch my toes to the floor unnaturally North of me while the ship is rocking East to West? Suffice to say that although I will be returning next week, I do hope that the clumsy toddler act will be a little more refined by the time I have to hoist my feet above my head again!

As much as I love trying something new, I am very sentimental about my former life lately. I have always believed in only moving forward - don't go back to backwards. Like childbirth, one tends to forget the pain and anxiety, and only recall the joy. In a way that's good,that's what reminiscing should be. But the reality is that much of the battle was tucked away deeply, and occasional unlocking of that vault is therapeutic. It helps me to re-pack that box more neatly, with reminders of why it was buried. Taking the best out of bad situations is a survival tactic. You always want what you thought was great until you remember the ratio: great vs awful. I hope that the longer I live, the more the balance of that ratio will be swung in my favour.

None of us is guaranteed tomorrow, so why are we worrying today? Worry only when it happens, otherwise you will have worried twice! Yoga may not have come naturally to me, but at least I am trying. Going beyond my comfort zone is the only sure fire way of learning, by trial and error, what and where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. So the challenge is set: on the 25th anniversary of my 19th birthday, I will start a year long quest to try one new experience each day. No excuses, just goals! Forcing myself beyond my comfort zone for my own good :)

I know, I know, but I don't :(

At 19h45 yesterday on our way to Cozumel Mexico, I just didn't know anymore. I have never been so weepy in my entire life. Trying to identify what's what, I had fleeting thoughts of this is what the start of a nervous breakdown must feel like. After many thoughts of I know, but I don't know, the general consensus - I just don't wanna be here! Not exactly what I nor anyone else imagined my first blog post abroad would be, but reality it is. So why am I feeling like this?

It's really hard to be analytical while you are in the midst of a meltdown, but as usual I am putting pen to paper (yes, this blog post was scribbled down during my dinner break) in an attempt to solve the puzzle.

I know that I can eliminate current ship factors directly, as this feeling started about three days before I left home. Apprehension was in place this time last contract, but not this terrible feeling of dispair. I know that I gave myself two years to heal, and that technically I am halfway through those twenty four months. But so much can happen in the next twelve months, so that's not it. The crew are lovely, the job is the same, a ship is a ship - not major contributing factors. The ports of South America are more appealing than those of Europe, so that's out the window. Lack of internet is definitely depressing, but hardly a reason for such misery. Not having anyone close to bounce my thoughts off - moderately distressing. The food is good; I haven't had sugar for ten days (possibly a factor!).The physical factors seem to be no cause for concern. Can it be that my mind is my best friend and my worst enemy? Too much time to think? I find myself entertaining thoughts of what I would be doing in an ideal world. This is the most dangerous part of my day. Right now I would rather be eating ice cream with Rachel.

This week I received a message from a friend who empathised with what I have been through over the past few years. His words: "...although they were choices, they weren't fair" summed it up. Nothing is fair and nothing is ideal. Every day I put on a brave face - I am even tired of the fake smile in my photos! There is a reason that I am on this lonely journey, I just hope that I don't have to wait much longer for the answer.

I know that this is an amazing opportunity to travel, I know that I will one day have an impressive list of remote destinations visited, I know that I will look back at this post one day and laugh because I know the answers. So I don't know why I don't want to be here!

Hello 2017

In an hour's time here in South Africa, New Year's Day will come to an end. Thanks to social media, we are fully aware of what a new year represents - beginnings, opportunities, chances, prospects. Although technically it is just another cycle of the twenty four hour clock, the beginning of a new year allows us a few moments in time to ponder the what ifs. We find ourselves making concrete plans as well as wish lists, and for fleeting seconds we have hope that all will be achieved in this calender year. But why can't it? What puts the brakes on these dreams? Quite simply..... fear!

For the first time in many years I didn't spend the last three months saying 'I wish this year was over'. This morning I heard people say that nothing can be as bad as last year. Well, actually it can! Nothing in life is certain except that each year we are closer to our end. To wish away the year in the hope that next year will be better is just a faster route to the end. So much changed in my life last year that I could not have foreseen the year before. Some for the better and a lot for the worse. But the choices I made due to these changes were my fork in the road - neither route was going to be easy, so I chose the one that I hoped would have the least regret. I gave myself two years to heal (again setting calender goals), and today marks the halfway mark. Do I feel like I have progressed? Not really. Do I think I have regressed? Definitely not! Do I have a clearer view of what I want? Absolutely! Do I know how to get there? Not a clue. But I do know that somehow I am being led on a particular path for as yet unknown reasons. Half the fun is the anticipation of what lies ahead. The fear does creep in to discourage me every so often, but the alternative is more scary, so I soldier on.

I used to be a homebody; quite content with being a corporate business woman by day and domestic goddess after hours. Instead of being a traveller I preferred to be the hostess. My super powers ranged from wedding dress designer to church organist. Now my talents include packing six months of clothing for South America and Alaska into just two suitcases! Tomorrow I leave for Miami, somewhere I have longed to visit. I will play out 2017 over a few continents with more than a few goals to achieve. Somewhere in my travels my fear will be drowned out by my desire to succeed, and my future path will make itself know. I will miss my daughter terribly, but I am no good to her if I am not good to myself. 

Hello 2017, let's be friends!

The sun will rise and set regardless. What we choose to do with the light while it's here is up to us .

- Alexandra Elle