Balance

I remember watching a talk show years ago whilst I was cooking dinner. They were discussing real age versus perceived age. One of the factors that they determined could predict your age range was the amount of seconds that you were able to stand unaided on one leg. The audience sneered in defiance, convinced that this was too simplified an assessment, until they stood up and put it to the test. When half of them were seated before six seconds had passed, they were believers! Today I tried it again...... and after a full minute I decided that I am obviously still young and balanced. 

I may not have toppled over today, but I am definitely missing balance in my life. Actually, I think that it has been decades since I could lay claim to that! The work/play ratio is not enough to achieve the harmony I need in my life, but meeting all of Maslow's hierarchy when you are on a ship 15 000 kilometers away from home? Almost impossible.

I made a calculated risk decision today (I will elaborate at a later date), and immediately after the words left my mouth, I was flooded with relief. Trust your gut! Sometimes, thinking that you are in control of achieving balance is enough to distract you from actually allowing the natural processes of the universe to take place. We really aren't in control. Surrendering to something much bigger than ourselves is easier said than done. But the inner peace that ripples through you once you release the reigns of control..... priceless.

I am well aware that nothing in life goes in a straightforward manner, nor according to plan. I have tasked myself to find solutions that are good for me. Maybe not in the near future, but without setting achievable goals and a believable course of action, I might as well pull the rug and tumble over anyway. I just need to find my old pit bull grip on situations, and not be shaken loose by the tempting bones along the way!

I stood in awe today as we defied nature, geography and physics, and coursed through the Panama Canal. Cutting through the Americas as if it were just another typical day. Today I saw a wonder afforded to few. The privilege was greatly appreciated. One tick for the positive column, maybe more..... and it went a long way towards restoring the balance!

Beyond the comfort zone

Teaching this old dog new tricks has never been daunting before, I'm always game for a new challenge. But as I near my 6,285th dog year, I realise that I have never tried yoga before! Roping in a few colleagues (also first timers), we set off for our first class. My sister inherited co-ordination (she is an amazing ballroom dancer), whereas I have seven left feet. Beached whale, roly poly, you name it and I was it. I have never been able to touch my toes (arms too short, my spine doesn't bend that way, whatever other excuse I could come up with), but to have to swing my legs up to the sky, then gracefully touch my toes to the floor unnaturally North of me while the ship is rocking East to West? Suffice to say that although I will be returning next week, I do hope that the clumsy toddler act will be a little more refined by the time I have to hoist my feet above my head again!

As much as I love trying something new, I am very sentimental about my former life lately. I have always believed in only moving forward - don't go back to backwards. Like childbirth, one tends to forget the pain and anxiety, and only recall the joy. In a way that's good,that's what reminiscing should be. But the reality is that much of the battle was tucked away deeply, and occasional unlocking of that vault is therapeutic. It helps me to re-pack that box more neatly, with reminders of why it was buried. Taking the best out of bad situations is a survival tactic. You always want what you thought was great until you remember the ratio: great vs awful. I hope that the longer I live, the more the balance of that ratio will be swung in my favour.

None of us is guaranteed tomorrow, so why are we worrying today? Worry only when it happens, otherwise you will have worried twice! Yoga may not have come naturally to me, but at least I am trying. Going beyond my comfort zone is the only sure fire way of learning, by trial and error, what and where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. So the challenge is set: on the 25th anniversary of my 19th birthday, I will start a year long quest to try one new experience each day. No excuses, just goals! Forcing myself beyond my comfort zone for my own good :)

I know, I know, but I don't :(

At 19h45 yesterday on our way to Cozumel Mexico, I just didn't know anymore. I have never been so weepy in my entire life. Trying to identify what's what, I had fleeting thoughts of this is what the start of a nervous breakdown must feel like. After many thoughts of I know, but I don't know, the general consensus - I just don't wanna be here! Not exactly what I nor anyone else imagined my first blog post abroad would be, but reality it is. So why am I feeling like this?

It's really hard to be analytical while you are in the midst of a meltdown, but as usual I am putting pen to paper (yes, this blog post was scribbled down during my dinner break) in an attempt to solve the puzzle.

I know that I can eliminate current ship factors directly, as this feeling started about three days before I left home. Apprehension was in place this time last contract, but not this terrible feeling of dispair. I know that I gave myself two years to heal, and that technically I am halfway through those twenty four months. But so much can happen in the next twelve months, so that's not it. The crew are lovely, the job is the same, a ship is a ship - not major contributing factors. The ports of South America are more appealing than those of Europe, so that's out the window. Lack of internet is definitely depressing, but hardly a reason for such misery. Not having anyone close to bounce my thoughts off - moderately distressing. The food is good; I haven't had sugar for ten days (possibly a factor!).The physical factors seem to be no cause for concern. Can it be that my mind is my best friend and my worst enemy? Too much time to think? I find myself entertaining thoughts of what I would be doing in an ideal world. This is the most dangerous part of my day. Right now I would rather be eating ice cream with Rachel.

This week I received a message from a friend who empathised with what I have been through over the past few years. His words: "...although they were choices, they weren't fair" summed it up. Nothing is fair and nothing is ideal. Every day I put on a brave face - I am even tired of the fake smile in my photos! There is a reason that I am on this lonely journey, I just hope that I don't have to wait much longer for the answer.

I know that this is an amazing opportunity to travel, I know that I will one day have an impressive list of remote destinations visited, I know that I will look back at this post one day and laugh because I know the answers. So I don't know why I don't want to be here!

Hello 2017

In an hour's time here in South Africa, New Year's Day will come to an end. Thanks to social media, we are fully aware of what a new year represents - beginnings, opportunities, chances, prospects. Although technically it is just another cycle of the twenty four hour clock, the beginning of a new year allows us a few moments in time to ponder the what ifs. We find ourselves making concrete plans as well as wish lists, and for fleeting seconds we have hope that all will be achieved in this calender year. But why can't it? What puts the brakes on these dreams? Quite simply..... fear!

For the first time in many years I didn't spend the last three months saying 'I wish this year was over'. This morning I heard people say that nothing can be as bad as last year. Well, actually it can! Nothing in life is certain except that each year we are closer to our end. To wish away the year in the hope that next year will be better is just a faster route to the end. So much changed in my life last year that I could not have foreseen the year before. Some for the better and a lot for the worse. But the choices I made due to these changes were my fork in the road - neither route was going to be easy, so I chose the one that I hoped would have the least regret. I gave myself two years to heal (again setting calender goals), and today marks the halfway mark. Do I feel like I have progressed? Not really. Do I think I have regressed? Definitely not! Do I have a clearer view of what I want? Absolutely! Do I know how to get there? Not a clue. But I do know that somehow I am being led on a particular path for as yet unknown reasons. Half the fun is the anticipation of what lies ahead. The fear does creep in to discourage me every so often, but the alternative is more scary, so I soldier on.

I used to be a homebody; quite content with being a corporate business woman by day and domestic goddess after hours. Instead of being a traveller I preferred to be the hostess. My super powers ranged from wedding dress designer to church organist. Now my talents include packing six months of clothing for South America and Alaska into just two suitcases! Tomorrow I leave for Miami, somewhere I have longed to visit. I will play out 2017 over a few continents with more than a few goals to achieve. Somewhere in my travels my fear will be drowned out by my desire to succeed, and my future path will make itself know. I will miss my daughter terribly, but I am no good to her if I am not good to myself. 

Hello 2017, let's be friends!

The sun will rise and set regardless. What we choose to do with the light while it's here is up to us .

- Alexandra Elle