At 19h45 yesterday on our way to Cozumel Mexico, I just didn't know anymore. I have never been so weepy in my entire life. Trying to identify what's what, I had fleeting thoughts of this is what the start of a nervous breakdown must feel like. After many thoughts of I know, but I don't know, the general consensus - I just don't wanna be here! Not exactly what I nor anyone else imagined my first blog post abroad would be, but reality it is. So why am I feeling like this?
It's really hard to be analytical while you are in the midst of a meltdown, but as usual I am putting pen to paper (yes, this blog post was scribbled down during my dinner break) in an attempt to solve the puzzle.
I know that I can eliminate current ship factors directly, as this feeling started about three days before I left home. Apprehension was in place this time last contract, but not this terrible feeling of dispair. I know that I gave myself two years to heal, and that technically I am halfway through those twenty four months. But so much can happen in the next twelve months, so that's not it. The crew are lovely, the job is the same, a ship is a ship - not major contributing factors. The ports of South America are more appealing than those of Europe, so that's out the window. Lack of internet is definitely depressing, but hardly a reason for such misery. Not having anyone close to bounce my thoughts off - moderately distressing. The food is good; I haven't had sugar for ten days (possibly a factor!).The physical factors seem to be no cause for concern. Can it be that my mind is my best friend and my worst enemy? Too much time to think? I find myself entertaining thoughts of what I would be doing in an ideal world. This is the most dangerous part of my day. Right now I would rather be eating ice cream with Rachel.
This week I received a message from a friend who empathised with what I have been through over the past few years. His words: "...although they were choices, they weren't fair" summed it up. Nothing is fair and nothing is ideal. Every day I put on a brave face - I am even tired of the fake smile in my photos! There is a reason that I am on this lonely journey, I just hope that I don't have to wait much longer for the answer.
I know that this is an amazing opportunity to travel, I know that I will one day have an impressive list of remote destinations visited, I know that I will look back at this post one day and laugh because I know the answers. So I don't know why I don't want to be here!
I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest" — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you." Or so I've come to believe.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Totally agree.
DeleteEllen, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. So been there and done that, more than once in my life. I think the older we get the harder it gets to leave loved ones behind. Hang in there, things will get better.... go with the flow, do something for yourself that makes you happy, every day. Hugs.
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